I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
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