I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Randomize
