Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Randomize
