I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
Randomize
