I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I will be naked everywhere
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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