I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I just had sex on a roof
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
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