I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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