It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I intend to get homeless drunk
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
