You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
