Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Randomize
