Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
