I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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