I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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