I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Randomize
