Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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