just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Randomize
