it was like his penis was on wheels.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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