...so i touched it.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
