I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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