I just pynch a tree in the face
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
