Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Randomize
