wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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