My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
