Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Randomize
