This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
