Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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