I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
