Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
