woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
This baby is an asshole
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Randomize
