If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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