I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
