i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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