Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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