Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Randomize
