areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
