We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
