You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
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