At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
So squirting runs in the family.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
