"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize
