The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
