I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
There are leaves in my underwear?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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