I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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