I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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