Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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