i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
