A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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