zippers are such a cool invention
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
