Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Dignity is for republicans.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
