I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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