just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
