so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
